What to do or say when someone has lost a baby (or babies)

*For some time now, I've been wanting to do a special post on this subject. I finally got the guts to do it. I did this, simply to help others out. I am not pointing blame on anyone here. Burke and I have been blessed with a loving family, a supportive Church Family and a great group of friends who truly care. These ideas worked for us and has helped us along in this journey of loss. These are suggestions, incase you ever need 'em!
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1. At first, say little and give plenty of hugs! If you've never gone through this kind of pain, sometimes your words can hurt (without you ever even knowing it) and a hug is really all a person needs at that moment in time. It tells the hurting parent that you truly care.

2. Write a nice note or card. Send it in the mail. This was a biggie for us, the outpouring of cards/notes helped us not feel alone in our pain. We still treasure those cards and notes. They were all placed in a basket. That basket now sits in our kitchen as a reminder of "not walking alone". I now try my hardest to send cards to parents who have lost a baby or child, even if I do not know them personally.

3. If you are related to the hurting family, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE extend your arms during this painful journey. If you are invited to the burial/memorial service, please go! If you live close, take a meal over and deliver it with a note and a hug. Thankfully, Burke and I are blessed with a wonderful supportive family. We would not be here, where we are at today, if it wasn't for our family! It always breaks my heart to hear others say that their families have never ONCE acknowledged the loss of their baby. OUCH! This leaves scars on hearts. I know its hard to know what to say or do, but you need to do something (any of these ideas in this post can help!).

4. Avoid comments like, "You can always have more children" or "I can only imagine how much you are hurting". These comments hurt like crazy! Maybe just stick with idea #1 of this post. If you truly do not have the words to say, just do not say anything at all. Instead, just give the hug of love!

5. If you've been in a similar situation, write the parents a note. I've met some pretty amazing moms through this journey. Moms who pursued me and wanted to help me along. You KNOW who you are, so thank you once again! Like I said in #2, I try to do this, even if I do not know the parents personally. I express my condolensces and give a brief summary of our journey. I try to keep it short, nothing too long or overdone.

-If you've been in a similar situation and know the parents, give them a call. You could even offer them the chance to talk in person. It is nice to have someone you can relate to when you are in a hurting situation like this. Every person is different though. Some may not be ready to talk, so give this some time. Maybe a note about this offer (meeting and talking in person) would be appropriate at first. This allows the person to know whom they can confide in whenever they are ready. For me, I didn't really want to talk about Breckin. I could type my thoughts via blog or email, but other than that, I didn't want to talk about him and the whole situation. It was painful and all I wanted to do was cry. It didn't help that Maylee was in a very critical state and I was wrestling with thoughts of possibly losing her too. I realize now that NOT TALKING was not a healthy choice at the time. (although, Lora, you were there to talk to. Perfect timing for that!) I should have picked that phone up and called! Even if I didn't call you back, I was STILL comforted by your willingness to reach out. So, do not get your feelings hurt, if you never hear back from the hurting mom/dad. Who knows, they may contact you later on down the road. In the meantime, pray for the family.

6. Go together as a group to show your support and love. For us, a group of our college friends from Indiana Wesleyan University, went together and sent me a beautiful bracelet that had all of my childrens names engraved in it. I will treasure this forever!! Shelly Buck was the inspiration behind this special gift, which meant a lot, since she too is a mom who had to say goodbye to her sweet precious baby. Even though we all had gone our separate ways after college, the thoughtfulness of this gift allowed us to still feel connected to this special group of friends.

7. Remember the baby's birthday/anniversary. This is BIG! You could send a short note or email. Just to say you are thinking of them on that particular day. If you do not know the exact date, that is fine. You can send it in that same month and say, "You are on my heart right now and I am praying for you". For us, since we have this blog, we always appreciate the comments we recieve around the triplets birthday. Very comforting.

8. After a few months, offer a memorial to the hurting family. This can be so healing for not only parents, but also for siblings (and grand parents, aunts, uncles...). Burke's Aunt and Uncle (along with G'pa and G'ma B) came to us and asked if they could purchase a tree in memory of Breckin. They gave us choices of good memorial trees and then let us pick which tree we wanted. They let us decide on the location. We decided the tree would be fitting in G'ma and G'pa's back yard, by the playhouse. A place where Breckin's siblings and cousins would be playing. We even had a tree dedication. We invited our family and planted the tree that day. The kids had fun decorating Breckin's tree with bird seed ornaments. During the summer we enjoy watching all the kiddos in the backyard, right beside Breckin's tree. We also enjoy watching Breckin's tree change throughout the 4 seasons. Its pretty special to us. I know I will BAWL my eyes out if my in laws ever decide to move. (no pressure!)

-Another suggestion of a memorial, is making a donation. We had a couple make a donation to the Ronald McDonald House in loving memory of Breckin. We received a nice note card from the Ronald McDonald House stating who the donation was from. Burke and I made sure to send a note of thanks to this couple.

-In memory of Breckin, several families made donations to our county's Hospice program.

-This past year, a very special couple donated in Breckin's memory to the Tree of Lights. Every year, Hospice of our county decorate a Christmas tree and put on display down town. Each light represents a life that was taken. We recieved a nice note card in the mail from Hospice, stating who had given in memory of our sweet Breckin!

-All of these donations were complete surprises and the thoughtfullness behind it all still makes our hearts melt.

9. Send a book to the parents. Send a book to the sibling(s).

10. When the person decides to talk about the situation, let them vent. Do not try to have all the answers. Just sit there and listen. Tell them that you will pray for them, but only if you truly will pray for them. I know for us, there were times that we simply didn't know what or how to pray, so intercede in prayer for them! Its a gift like no other!!

*** ONE LAST THING***
Don't exclude the siblings! Depending on ages, this will vary on what to do. I am sure this can be a tricky one. I honestly can not say what or what not to do, especially since our Caislyn was only 3 years old at the time of Breckin's death. She simply didn't comprehend the whole situation, it wasn't until a year later when her questions began to come out. But, the cards that were sent to her specifically, shortly after Breckin's death, I KNOW will mean so much to her down the road. Children who are old enough to understand will NEED you!! Let them know you love them and that you care. There's numerous things that you can do. Take ACTION!